You are not there to bully them into submission and bury them with facts – you are there to empathize and help them see that solving your problem solves their problems too. It all starts with ACTIVE LISTENING Before you can turn human emotions to your advantage, you need to make the other person feel HEARD and understood.
For example, if they say “I cannot believe it’s going to be so unbelievably cold on Friday”, your reply starts with “Yeah Friday is going to be unbelievably cold…” and then you continue with what you want to say. By imitating their speech patterns you are signalling (on an emotional level) to the other person that you are not only hearing them, but you are similar to them.
This creates trust. You have made the other person feel heard,now it is time to level-up and make them feel understood. You do that by employing “tactical empathy”. It is understanding someone else’s perspective and then vocalizing it, in order to get what YOU want. You do that by what the author calls “labelling”. You actively listen to the other person and then you vocalize their emotion with a neutral third-person phrase such as “It seems like you” / “It looks like you” or / It sounds like you. Let me demonstrate this with an example fromthe book.
A pharmaceutical rep was having a conversation with a doctor who told her upfront he is totally uninterested in switching to the drug she was offering (talk about starting the negotiations on the wrong foot). But while they were talking the rep noticed that the doctor’s voice and entire attitude lights up when he was talking about his patients. So, she employed some “tactical empathy”and said “It seems like you really care about the well-being of your patients”. which made the doctor bring his guard down and turn whole situation around.
The rep actively listened, extracted the emotion from the conversation and stated it out loud with “it seems like”. In this case she was on-point in her observation,but even if she wasn’t using a third-person phrase like that leaves her with an exit strategy. If the doctors would have said “not evenclose”, she could always reply “I didn’t say it was the case, I just said it SEEMED like it”, thus diffusing a potentially bad situation.
Your goal as a successful negotiator is to actively listen, employ tactical empathy and use mirroring and labelling to get to the other side to the magical two words – “that’s right”. When you have summarized the other person’swords and emotions and you’ve earned a “that’s right” from them, they are crediting you with seeing things their way.
NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on it.
You have connected with them on an emotional level which totally transforms the negotiation environment. The next step is to use “calibrated questions”. These are open-ended “how” and “what”questions for when you inevitably hear something you don’t like. For example, if you are negotiating with your landlord who wants to increase your rent, instead of just saying “no” you can hit him with a “how am I supposed to do that” or “what are we really trying to accomplish here”.This type of questions prompts for a longer answer. They put the other person to work helping you solve your problem. If they reply with something which is better,but still not what you had in mind, you employ some tactical empathy and another variation of the same calibrated question.
So, if your landlord says “Ok, how about with do this price instead of this”, you can reply with “It sounds like you think your property is undervalued compared to similar properties in the area, but how am I supposed to afford that given my salary which is fixed” and you keep going till you have reached your goal. Successful negotiations are all about understanding that the emotions of the other person play a much bigger role than facts and logic. By making them feel heard and understood you can diffuse any situation. When you make use of empathy to demonstratethat you really understand their perspective and connect with them on an emotional level,you can turn any negotiation in your favour.
Now, let’s see how you can make use of this tactics to make yourself into a better negotiator. in this video you’re going to get a summary of the book never split the difference by Chris Voss it is by far the best book I’ve read on negotiation I think you’re gonna love it so let’s do it never split the difference goes in a totally opposite direction to most traditional negotiation tactics advice and teachings and for a good reason the author Chris Voss is a former FBI negotiator .
who is used to dealing with hostage takers bank robbers and violent people of all types and when the stakes are high someone’s life the generic getting to yes or win-win negotiation fall flat on their face after all if the person who you loved the most in the world has been taken hostage splitting the difference with the other side is probably not the best outcome you want Chris Voss teaches that why most of the old-school negotiation tactics don’t work is because they completely ignored the actual human being that’s doing the negotiation people are irrational their emotion they’re biased and that’s what makes this human after all a successful negotiation is all about being emotion tangent.
NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE
And empathetic to the other side is about forming a genuine human connection with the other person emotion not logic determines the success or failure of negotiations your goal is a negotiator is to establish trust by getting the other side to see you’re welcoming you’re perceptive you’re insightful and warm you’re not there to bully them into submission or bar them with facts you’re there to empathize and help them see that solving your problem solves their problem as well it all starts with active listening before you can turn human emotion into your advantage.
You need to make sure the other person feels heard and understood to do that you need to become a master of active listening it is the act of meeting your own internal commentary in focusing a hundred percent or as much as you can of irritation to what the other person is actually saying this is radically different to what you and I are used to doing in everyday life which is passive listening hearing what you want to hear and filtering out the rest or concentrating on formulating your answer .
what the other person is still talking that’s not really paying attention to demonstrate your superb listening skills you make use of a tactic called mirroring you reply using the last three or four words of what the other person said for example if they say I cannot believe it’s going to be so unbelievably cold on Friday your reply starts with yeah Friday is going to be unbelievably cold and then you continue with what you want to say by imitating their speech patterns you’re signaling on a subconscious emotional level to the other person that you’re not only hearing them but you’re similar to them this creates trust trust wins negotiations\
Never Split the difference
seems like and then the summary so listen pay a hundred percent attention to what the other person saying and then summarize it it seems like you feel like this from what I understood you seem like this summarize it and see if you’re correct because if you’re not paying attention we are paying attention to the other person to the conversation whether it’s in high-stakes negotiation or a random conversation down the street you wouldn’t be able to empathize with the other person so you wouldn’t be able to empathize them back and then you’ve lost thinking so practice listen and you’ll be blown away you’ll be blown away but how little who probably have been paying attention because when I first did sexercise oh my god.
I was paying so little attention and I thought that I am one of those people that really concentrates and then I discovered there is a whole new level so the next conversation you have a random conversation personal business doesn’t matter I want you to give them a hundred percent of your attention and then summarize what’s being said it seems like it sounds like and then putting your son get good at listening this is the first step to becoming a great communicator and a great negotiator that was the book never split the difference by Chris Bosh that was my take on it and how I passed on the question to you what was your take away what you think about this whole book.
What do you think about Chris Voss is an author I really like it but that doesn’t mean that you did let me know in the comment section below and if you’re more boxes – such as this one on communication or negotiation or cell phone business or motivation click on the link below subscribe join the family I put out these videos each and every week have an amazing day go out there listen pay attention and have an amazing day